My Birthday Post....

Well as I finally finish not only my 42nd year but also my 6th complete cycle in this vessel, I am pleased to be with my lovey. Some folks just assume this is a relationship that is based on fetish or trend, but for me Holly is really my best friend. And I am for the first time comfortable in a relationship. I look back at all the men I dated, all the abuse I took and gave, and all the pain I put up with. I do sometimes wonder if Holly would have been a “man” would I have noticed this person? I was so in tuned to being attracted to men of color and with a body type that rarely did I take the time to know a mans brain. Yes it is true I pretty much knew what I was looking for. I wanted a muscle-toned body with a large member below and not too much going on between the ears. Life was easier back in those days because I called the shots. Relationships were not a 50/50 thing for me. I worked and preferred a man who did not work much, who in fact was lazy. That way I had the “F-You” money to be in control of the relationship. Looking back on it I am not proud of that, but for this project I like to be honest with my actions. I was not some tragic tranny sitting in a gay bar night after night crying why “why can’t I find a man”. No, I usually had several men on a list and was a player and knew how to play the control card. I am amazed with my relationship now because we are not like that. We do not do the power play thing. We have no need for emotional blackmail in this relationship.
So on this 42nd Birthday I am thankful to the Universe for having given me the greatest gift of all 2 1/2 years ago when I looked into Holly’s eyes. I also want to explain the cycle reference, our bodies recycle every cell every 7 years. So this is the end of my 6th recycle period. Along with all my personal life challenges, I am grateful to finally not have to fight out the battle scene of love. Instead I have a supportive relationship with my best friend.
Sometime I hope to make this “blog” more topical and less overly sweet. But my baby put together a great Bday party for me last night with some special friends and it was great and I am feeling good. So on my last real 42nd day of living I sign off and wish all a great week end….jennifer m. barge

My Valentine Love....

Wow! Just had a great Valentines Day with my lovey. I am amazed that it took so long for me to find my best friend. I know this sounds way mushy..but it is true. And I am also thankful that with all my issues and demons and so many pains that this person is willing to actually stay with me. We all have our stories about our childhood and figuring out what gender and sex was. But I have so many issues and I have anger inside. But this person can see through all my pain and find something really good in me. For the first time I am actually happy with a relationship. In the past I dated men and had to really battle with them over love and life. With them it was warfare all the time. Trying to navigate through all the emotional blackmail and even the threats of how a “real woman” would never take them through things. But now that I am with Holly it is a more even field of reference, though at times I am the one who slips in to panic mode and freak out because I pretty much thought all relationships were supposed to be painful. But this beautiful, kind, sweet person has shown me what love really is. And this concludes my Valentines overly sweet message about love and pain and finding the right person…jennifer m. barge