Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A deeper look at what is missing..

I am looking back at the past almost 3 years and just remembering little thing from this relationship. How I have grown and also the things I miss from being with men. Sex is an issue at times, because as all us transgender folks who decided to do hormones, we know that mtf’s lose some of not only the drive, but also the “goods”. I have been working that out with Holly because while I am 42, she is going to be 60 this year. That is almost a generation of age difference between us.
The other things are pretty much about me. Like my issues with sexual abuse and a shady past. I sometimes miss men. Miss the strong-arms around me, and the compliments. The way men take charge of situations. I was raised very different from most transgender girls. My Mom really wanted a girl and she got one in me. But she also dressed me as a girl and taught me things through her actions in her relationships how to manipulate men into getting “things”. Jewelry, flowers, gifts. She was great at that. But unfortunately I also became great at that too. So maybe what I miss is really being able to control a man, or a situation.
I also learned to use my looks to get what I want. As a person who was socialized as a girl thanks to my Mom, I learned early on what men like to look at. Add me being a make up artist and I was hell to many men. Through my Moms tragic relationships I learned the art of “relationship war’. And it was war most of the time when I was with men. A constant battle of whom was right and who did what to whom.
I seem to be placing much blame on my Mom, but that is not the intent of this. No I am just now in my 42nd year opening up old dusty boxes in my mind that I would/could never open before. I do not blame my Mom, as she was a victim of so much. I look in the mirror at myself and see her, and I smile. She was a weak person in many ways but a great person.
I am a survivor and that is why I am able to speak about things like my past. Drugs, sex, prison, crimes, failed relations. That is what makes me who I am now. I do not regret nor am I ashamed to tell people things from my past. I am proud to have lived through the things I did.
But this is not about how great I am, it is about how broken inside I am. How even now with a great person by my side I can still become a scared child being raped. My therapist called it my ‘trauma button”. And anytime I get in to “that” space I can react with anger, but it is all really fear.
So I am a scared person at times that can hide the fear with a smile, but don’t we all do that?
Well this is just me babbling on about my fear and my life…but also my love. I want this relationship to last. I want to finally know I am with the “One”. Until next time …jennifer
P.S. And if anyone does read this stuff…” Thank You!!’