Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A deeper look at what is missing..

I am looking back at the past almost 3 years and just remembering little thing from this relationship. How I have grown and also the things I miss from being with men. Sex is an issue at times, because as all us transgender folks who decided to do hormones, we know that mtf’s lose some of not only the drive, but also the “goods”. I have been working that out with Holly because while I am 42, she is going to be 60 this year. That is almost a generation of age difference between us.
The other things are pretty much about me. Like my issues with sexual abuse and a shady past. I sometimes miss men. Miss the strong-arms around me, and the compliments. The way men take charge of situations. I was raised very different from most transgender girls. My Mom really wanted a girl and she got one in me. But she also dressed me as a girl and taught me things through her actions in her relationships how to manipulate men into getting “things”. Jewelry, flowers, gifts. She was great at that. But unfortunately I also became great at that too. So maybe what I miss is really being able to control a man, or a situation.
I also learned to use my looks to get what I want. As a person who was socialized as a girl thanks to my Mom, I learned early on what men like to look at. Add me being a make up artist and I was hell to many men. Through my Moms tragic relationships I learned the art of “relationship war’. And it was war most of the time when I was with men. A constant battle of whom was right and who did what to whom.
I seem to be placing much blame on my Mom, but that is not the intent of this. No I am just now in my 42nd year opening up old dusty boxes in my mind that I would/could never open before. I do not blame my Mom, as she was a victim of so much. I look in the mirror at myself and see her, and I smile. She was a weak person in many ways but a great person.
I am a survivor and that is why I am able to speak about things like my past. Drugs, sex, prison, crimes, failed relations. That is what makes me who I am now. I do not regret nor am I ashamed to tell people things from my past. I am proud to have lived through the things I did.
But this is not about how great I am, it is about how broken inside I am. How even now with a great person by my side I can still become a scared child being raped. My therapist called it my ‘trauma button”. And anytime I get in to “that” space I can react with anger, but it is all really fear.
So I am a scared person at times that can hide the fear with a smile, but don’t we all do that?
Well this is just me babbling on about my fear and my life…but also my love. I want this relationship to last. I want to finally know I am with the “One”. Until next time …jennifer
P.S. And if anyone does read this stuff…” Thank You!!’

Sunday, February 21, 2010

My Birthday Post....

Well as I finally finish not only my 42nd year but also my 6th complete cycle in this vessel, I am pleased to be with my lovey. Some folks just assume this is a relationship that is based on fetish or trend, but for me Holly is really my best friend. And I am for the first time comfortable in a relationship. I look back at all the men I dated, all the abuse I took and gave, and all the pain I put up with. I do sometimes wonder if Holly would have been a “man” would I have noticed this person? I was so in tuned to being attracted to men of color and with a body type that rarely did I take the time to know a mans brain. Yes it is true I pretty much knew what I was looking for. I wanted a muscle-toned body with a large member below and not too much going on between the ears. Life was easier back in those days because I called the shots. Relationships were not a 50/50 thing for me. I worked and preferred a man who did not work much, who in fact was lazy. That way I had the “F-You” money to be in control of the relationship. Looking back on it I am not proud of that, but for this project I like to be honest with my actions. I was not some tragic tranny sitting in a gay bar night after night crying why “why can’t I find a man”. No, I usually had several men on a list and was a player and knew how to play the control card. I am amazed with my relationship now because we are not like that. We do not do the power play thing. We have no need for emotional blackmail in this relationship.
So on this 42nd Birthday I am thankful to the Universe for having given me the greatest gift of all 2 1/2 years ago when I looked into Holly’s eyes. I also want to explain the cycle reference, our bodies recycle every cell every 7 years. So this is the end of my 6th recycle period. Along with all my personal life challenges, I am grateful to finally not have to fight out the battle scene of love. Instead I have a supportive relationship with my best friend.
Sometime I hope to make this “blog” more topical and less overly sweet. But my baby put together a great Bday party for me last night with some special friends and it was great and I am feeling good. So on my last real 42nd day of living I sign off and wish all a great week end….jennifer m. barge

Monday, February 15, 2010

My Valentine Love....

Wow! Just had a great Valentines Day with my lovey. I am amazed that it took so long for me to find my best friend. I know this sounds way mushy..but it is true. And I am also thankful that with all my issues and demons and so many pains that this person is willing to actually stay with me. We all have our stories about our childhood and figuring out what gender and sex was. But I have so many issues and I have anger inside. But this person can see through all my pain and find something really good in me. For the first time I am actually happy with a relationship. In the past I dated men and had to really battle with them over love and life. With them it was warfare all the time. Trying to navigate through all the emotional blackmail and even the threats of how a “real woman” would never take them through things. But now that I am with Holly it is a more even field of reference, though at times I am the one who slips in to panic mode and freak out because I pretty much thought all relationships were supposed to be painful. But this beautiful, kind, sweet person has shown me what love really is. And this concludes my Valentines overly sweet message about love and pain and finding the right person…jennifer m. barge

Friday, January 29, 2010

The way we sarted...

The way it sarted...As amazing as this sounds, up until 2.5 years ago I would have never gone to a transgender conference. I was living stealth, a free lance make up artist who had enough clients that I did not worry about money. I was blessed to be able to travel with my clients, have fun, party and get paid. I even had a man in my life. Looking back I was very un-happy. But back then I felt it was great. Everything changed when i went to FanFair a few years back with a cross dresser client who needed make up. Now me coming from the central Florida area, I had a very negative opinion of trannys. They were bitchy and trying too hard to "pass" with silicone and breast implants and way too much make up. I felt most girls down there were just caricatures of what a woman is "supposed" to be. So basically I was in Ptown for the money and martinis.
And then my life changed with in hours of being there. I looked into this person’s eye and I knew. It was amazing and scary and I loved it. My man kept calling me during the week and I of coarse did not answer. I dived deeply into this new sea of love with complete abandonment. Not caring of the end result. I did take care of my client, but any free moment I had I was with this beautiful creature. I have never been with a woman or a feminine person ever. All my past lovers were either married or very straight and all men [ very fine muscular men i must add]. But this person was "The One". And it was a great week for me and her. We were both a little worried the first night we spent together as I had no idea what was happening downstairs so to speak, and again I have never been with a woman...ever. So i really would not know what to do with ....those body parts...but we made it through somehow. I remember people always saying to me " Do you know who she is?" Well yes, she was Holly. My Holly. But also with that she is also Holly Boswell. Little did I know how that would later effect us.
After she left on that Sunday I was heart broken. And then my phone rang and it was my man. I almost forgot about him, my life, my house and my pet rabbit. But I actually wanted this new vision of love I have never known before. So WOW! I was really going to do this thing. I was going to leave a lot behind to start something new with this amazing stranger.
Flash Forward to now; Well here we are together still. I am more in love and at times amazed by this person. Also living day to day with challenges that we both face. I have achieved some great things for this community and health. I am still new and wet behind the ears. She has been a fixture in trans activism and spirituality. And we both are good with each other doing "The Work" as we call it.
But if anyone thinks it is easy to be with a person who is so educated and so known please think again. It is not easy for her or me because i come from a different background. Holly was born in 1950, me in 1968. I was going to discos with my Mom dressed as her sister [ my Mom always wanted a girl and she had no problem letting me be her baby girl] in 1980 and that is also when Holly was going out in femme mode. But as she is college educated, I left school when I was 16 after getting kicked out by step-mom and fake father]. Holly sees the good in all things while I can see the dark side of things, even welcome the dark side. I always say " I am the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the Ying and the Yang." I have been through some things as we all have.
I seem to be babbling a lot right now because I am amazed at where we are together. No it is not easy for either one of us. But going back to the beginning; I do not know her on a day to day basis, nor have I ever thought it would be easy. We both felt it was right. Now I do not doubt about it being right. Also I am not with her because she is a tranny. We did a workshop last year at a conference about trans on trans partnering. Most people in it said that they had been lonely and who else but a tranny could understand the pain or the issues of transgender. For me, I disagree. I have had relationships with men where I have had to battle over emotional black mail and manipulation. I have had understanding men who did love me. But when I met Holly I wanted her not because we were either trans or that she was Holly Boswell. I am with this person because to me she is just Holly...the ONE for me. jennifer m. barge

Monday, January 25, 2010

Okay- it is me again...the last time I forgot to change the color of the font...I know..that is crazy...but try to follow through on it and read it as it was a good post. As for now I wait to see of folks will even care about my ideas...jennifer m. barge

Really knowing about being in love...

It is crazy to me right now as I look back. Because over 2 years ago I formed this page because I was partnered for the first time with a trans woman. It was amazing to me because I too am a trans woman and I thought it was a new and different way of being. Again that was over 2 years ago. I now find that I am able to shed some light on my relationship and my love for this wonderful person I call my partner.Of coarse 2 years ago I hated that term "partner" as it made us sound like a law firm. But now I can only see her as my partner, my partner in love and life. But it has not been a easy a matter of fact the road has been painful, even abusive at times. And while I love this person, I also see the flaws of the past in us both. Two years ago I thought this relationship was the newest coolest thing. What I did not know is that this one person and one relationship would change my perception of myself, change my goals and this very relationship has led me to be the person I am today. As the founder and Director of TransHealth Coordinators, the winner of a 2010 Trinity Award,an active board member of so many organizations...I am amazed because 3 years ago i was just a make up artist painting peoples faces. I hope to express many things in this new/old blog that can no longer sit on my "favorites"file growing old and empty...not is the time to speak and voice and communicate with others about what it is to be transgender and to love another transgender person...while also reflecting on life as it comes our way....please continue to tune in and chime in and give me your experiences...jennifer m. barge